Trinity Baptist Church

 

I'm talking to you this morning on how to have a fantastic family talk.

 

Let me describe for you a typical scene of family conversation. The father and his favorite son are having a private meeting. The other family members are not included. They are talking about some things that they are intending to do and some plans they are making between one another. The mother is eavesdropping on the conversation. What she hears is not satisfactory to her at all. So she gathers in her favorite son and tells him what's going on between dad and the other boy. They devise a plot so that they can override what the father and that son are doing.

 

In the course of the affair, this boy deceives the other boy and steals his inheritance. The boy finds that his inheritance has been stolen. He is filled with anger and outrage about the matter; and he has made the threat that just as soon as the old man dies, he's going to kill his brother. The mother realizes they have a serious situation on their hands and so she sends her boy away. She says, "When this thing calms down a little bit, I'll send for you." The truth of the matter is that she never saw that boy again.

 

Am I describing a family conversation that may have taken place in modern America? The truth of the matter is I am not. Actually I am describing to you a scene which took place several thousand years ago, and it is recorded for us in the Bible.

The family is the family of Isaac and Rebekah and their twin sons, Esau and Jacob. But it is an illustration of typical family conversations.

 

I want to talk to you about how to have fantastic family communication. Communication is the sharing or exchanging of information and the emotions which accompany the information between individuals or groups of individuals. When you communicate you not only share what you think about a matter, but you also share how you feel about that matter.

 

Communication involves this process. You actually say something and there is what you think you said about what you have said. Then the people who listen to you, what they actually hear and what they think they hear that you said. Then the people who hear you, what they say in response to what you said on the basis of what they think that you said and on the basis of what they said they are thinking and how they are feeling about it. Then you hear what they said, but you may not know exactly what they said, but you think maybe you do and you respond to what you think maybe they said.

 

Are you confused? That is exactly how confusing this whole matter of communication and talking in family can really be.

 

We have learned that the glue of the family is commitment. Joined together! When we commit ourselves together as family we are family. That is the glue which ties a family together. But it is the oil of conversation and communication which helps us to communicate with one another effectively and to say the things we want to say in the way we want to say them.

I'm going to talk to you this morning about how to have a family conversation. I realize that I have a two liabilities.

 

Number one, I'm a man. Men are not real good when it comes to communication in the family.

 

Number two, many members of my family are here and they are probably going to say, "He doesn't do that at home very well. Why is he telling them to do that?" The truth of the matter is this is one of those do as I say and not as I do situations. I am better than I used to be, but I’m not presenting my testimony, but God’s instruction. 

 

I'm a slow learner and so I'm just doing the best I can to take what I'm learning and pass it on to you.

 

It's an interesting thing to me that when surveys have been made about marriages that do not make it, 86% of those said that there was a breakdown in communication.

 

So often when a couple is engaged and getting ready to get married, one of the main things which they seem to have with one another is the ability to talk and communicate. You will hear these engaged couples talking like this. "We just love to be together. We just stay up late at night talking, and I just feel so free and open with him (or her). It's just marvelous. We are soul mates. We connect with one another. And he writes me this beautiful cards, and letters, and we have wonderful communication skills."

 

 

 

Then when difficulties come and unfortunately when marriages do not make it, you begin to hear things like this. "We just didn't understand one another. We just didn't talk with one another anymore. Somehow we just couldn't seem to get on each other's wave link anymore."

 

So there is something that happens in marriages that sabotages the whole matter of communication and sometimes there is something that happens in families which hinders families from communicating with one another they way they want to.

 

I have chosen Ephesians 4 to talk to you about how to have a family talk because I think it is the clearest passage in the Bible on the subject of communication.

 

There are many kinds of communication. There is the communication of time. When you spend time with a person, you are communicating concern and care and interest in them. There is the communication of gifts. When you give somebody something, you are communicating with them. There is the communication of touch. When you touch someone you are communicating with them.

 

But I'm thinking primarily this morning in terms of communicating with words. When you read what these verses have to say about words and the importance of communicating by words, you learn some crucial principles in how to have a family talk.

 

I want to share with you some things to eliminate and there are some things to integrate and then there are some things to appropriate.

 

If we are going to have the kind of communication in our family that we need to, we have to,

 

There are some problems which must be eliminated from the whole matter of communication if we are going to talk with one another the way we should.

Let's move down through these verses and eliminate the problems.

 

In verse 25 he says, "Wherefore putting away lying." You have to eliminate dishonest elements. You have to eliminate lying. Lies in a family are the termites of trust. When you lie to your mate or your children or your parents, these lies become termites that eat away at trust. Lies can be lethal in a family. When you speak lies and when you deal with your family on the basis of lies, it can be deadly to your family.

 

According to the teachings of the Bible we are all born liars. Psalm 58, verse 3, says this. "The wicked are estranged from the womb. They go astray as soon as they be born speaking lies." So we are born with a sinful nature. We are born knowing how to tell lies. Unfortunately, many of us who are born liars improve with age.

 

So you have to learn to eliminate lying. You have to take away these things that are not pleasing and these things that ought not to be said. You commit yourself to honesty. You commit yourself to being honest with one another in your conversations.

 

Here's the second element you have to eliminate in verse 29. "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth."

Not only do you eliminate the dishonest elements in your family talks, but you also have to eliminate these distrustful elements. These corrupt communications! 

 

The word "corrupt" there is a word that was used to refer to overripe fruit or rotten fish. There are some elements of corrupt communication that we have to get out of our family conversations. There is a process of corrupt communication that happens in a family.

 

The process is like this. Sometimes it starts with complaining. Now, there is a place for registering legitimate complaints in the family. But sometimes it is complaining that is attached to blame. It moves from complaining to criticism. We begin to criticize the other members of the family. We hear words like this. "You never can do anything right." "You are always like that." "Why are you so prone to make mistakes like that?" It gets into the critical mode.

 

After that it moves into contempt. Then the person begins to have contempt for other members of the family. You hear words like this. "You are so stupid." "You are so dumb." "How can you be so ugly?" This is all corrupt communication. This is stuff that ought to be eliminated from our relationships with one another.

 

Not only does it say we are to eliminate lying, and not only does it say we are to eliminate corrupt communication, but in verse 31 there are some dangerous elements that need to be eliminated from our family talks.

 

 

Verse 31 says, "Let all bitterness be put away." Bitterness is anger turned in. It is poison to a family when we become bitter and let our bitterness interfere with our family.

 

 Not only bitterness but also wrath. The word "wrath" means rising anger. You bottle it up for a while, yet that anger begins to rise.

 

The next word is a more serious word than that. It says, "Anger." The word there means an explosion. It means an eruption. There are some families that the person who blows up the quickest and the person who pitches the biggest scene is the one who wins the family argument. The Bible says you have to eliminate that.

 

Then it says, "Clamor." That words means loud speaking. It means shouting. It means talking. In some families the one who talks the loudest is the one who wins the argument. The one who can shout the most is the one who subdues all the rest in the family. That's not always the parents, by the way.

 

Move on. "Evil speaking." That's when people begin to hurl these evil things I mentioned a moment ago.

 

These are dangerous elements that need to be put away in our family conversation.

 

You eliminate some problems, but the second thing I want you to notice in these verses is that you are to,

 

 

You integrate some basic principles in your family talks.

Look at verse 25. "Wherefore putting away lying, speak truth with his neighbor."

 

You say that's talking about neighbors. Well, your closest neighbors are the members of your family. So you put in your family and in your family talks the element of truthfulness. You build on truthfulness, speaking the truth. Some body says, "That's right down my line, preacher. I tell them the truth in my family. I give them a piece of my mind." You better be careful, you may not have a lot of that to spare.

 

Look at verse 15. "But speaking the truth in love." Some people claim they are being truthful when the truth of the matter is that they are being brutal. You can be cruel with the truth. A family has to have truth in it.

 

What kind of truth should we speak? 

 

Turn to Deuteronomy and look at this beautiful Old Testament pattern for a family altar.

 

Chapter 6:4

 

That's a pretty good pattern for speaking the truth. 

 

Mom and Dad, your sons and your daughters are getting ready to go out into school. They are going out into a culture that is hostile to everything you and I believe. It is hostile to the Bible. It is hostile to the church. It is hostile to the Lord Jesus Christ. All the powers of hell have assailed the young people of this country. How can you imagine sending your boys and girls out without the truth of the Word of God. 

 

Put God's truth in your family.

 

Not only do you have truthfulness, but go back to Ephesians verse 29.

The negative was, "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth." The positive is "but that which is good to the use of edifying that it may minister grace unto the hearers."

 

Positively it is saying to not only put truthfulness in your family conversations, but also put the element of kindness. "That which is good to the use of edifying."

 

Let me give you some suggestions on how to edify your family. It’s not just speaking the truth, but before you speak, ask yourself the question, is this going to be helpful to the family? Will this do good to the family? The next question you need is ask is, is this a good time to speak what’s on my mind? Timing is everything.

 

Have you ever wondered why a 180 pound guy can stand at the plate and hit 100 mile per hour fast ball 400 feet over a fence? It's all about timing. In family timing is very important.

 

Ecclesiastes 3 says this. "There is a time to keep silence and there is a time to speak." Timing!

 

For instance, probably, sir, when you have 12 guests at your house for dinner is not a good time to announce to your wife that you are tired of her squash casserole. You have to be very careful about the matter of timing.

 

 

You have a problem in your family. Something has happened which is a problem and you need to talk with one another about it. The first thing you need to keep in mind is this. You need to have some rules of engagements to handle a family problem at a family conference.

 

1. Attack the problem and not people. I read recently about how donkeys do when wolves are threatening them. They say they turn their real legs inward in a circle with their faces in a circle facing the wolves. They wind up kicking one another. That's the way donkeys do. Now, you are smarter than donkeys so when a problem arises, turn your heads together and kick the wolves instead of kicking one another.

 

2. Fix the problem and not the blame. Don't be looking for someone to always blame with the problem. Let every member of that family have the opportunity to express themselves. Every member of your family is to be a valued member of the family. Every one is precious to God. God has given you that family unit and every member deserves to be listened to, deserves to be respected and deserves to be heard.

 

Ed Young suggests that sometimes in family encounters you have to use two strategies.

 

Sometimes you have to hold the bucket. Have you ever held the bucket? I mean by that that sometimes you just listen to the other person. Just hold the bucket. Now, most of us men, when we hear the problem, we have the immediate solution. But there are times when you just hold the bucket. You keep your mouth shut. You just let them fill up the bucket. They tell you all about the problem.

They tell you how they feel about the problem. They tell you the emotions that are going on. On and on and on. You just nod. You are holding the bucket.

 

But there are times that you put up the mirror. By putting up the mirror you help them see the problem by questions and by kind responses you make to help them really see what's going on. So you fix the problem not the blame by listening to the whole situation.

3. Keep it private, not public. You don't need to go out and air all your family's dirty laundry to whosoever will. One of the most damaging characteristics in some marriages and in some families is that every mistake any member of the family has ever made becomes the subject of conversation with people outside the family. Keep it private not public. 

 

4. When you bring it up, pray it up. Bring God into the situation. Bring God into that matter.

 

The first thing is to get rid of some problems. The second thing is to integrate some principles.

 

 

I had never noticed this in this particular passage until I was studying this message, but I discovered as I went down through these verses that every member of the Trinity is mentioned.

 

In verse 30 you have the mention of God the Holy Spirit. "And grieve not the Holy Spirit."

 

That means that you and I, when we have family problems, can appropriate the presence of the Holy Spirit. God's Holy Spirit is the unseen guest in your family. God's Holy Spirit is sitting right there at the table with you.

 

It’s unfortunate that most of the time, when look for help everywhere except God. Understand that as a child of God, you have the resource of a constant teacher and comforter. The Holy Spirit is there at every family confrontation. He is there in every family tragedy. He is there in every family crisis. 

 

Take advantage of the promise of God. I will never leave you nor forsake you. I will comfort you. I will teach you, I will guide you.

 

You may say, “But my wife isn’t saved, or a child is not a Christian. But you are! And the power of the Holy Spirit is not bound because of their unbelief, but is instead loosed through your belief. Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world. 

 

The old devil tries to tear up your family,, turn the Holy Spirit loose on Him. And God will use you r testimony to speak to the family.   

 

Also in verse 32 it mentions God the Father. "Even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."

 

You have the power of God the Father in your family if you know Christ as your Savior. If it's a Christian family, God is there. What is the power of God going to do?

 

 

Sometimes it takes more of the power of God for you to learn to forgive some members of your family than it did for God to create the universe. The power to forgive!

 

Down in chapter 5 you also have the pattern of God the Son. Look at verse 2. "Walk in love as Christ has loved us and has given himself for us."

 

How did Jesus communicate? He communicated love. A love that caused Him to go to the cross of Calvary. You family needs large doses of love in your conversation, and praise.

 

I heard about a woman who went to a counselor. She was forevermore heated up against her husband. She said, "I am tired of that man. I'm going to divorce that man. But I'm not going to just divorce him, I'm going to destroy him and I want you to tell me how to do it."

 

He said, "I tell you what you do. If you want not only to divorce him but destroy him in the process, you go home and act as if everything is fine. You praise him and honor him and are responsive to him. Cook him his favorite meals. Tell him how wonderful he is. Tell him that he is your hero. Tell him that he is your everything. Do this for several days and then finally when you got him in that situation, hit him with both barrels and tell him you are going to divorce him and absolutely take everything he has. He won't have a thin dime when you're through with him. She said, 'I'll do that." 

 

Several months went by and he didn't hear from her. So the counselor decided to call her. He said, "Are you about ready for that divorce?"

She said, "What divorce? I'm married to the most wonderful man in all the world. Who would want to divorce him?"

 

You might be surprised what a little praise and a little respect and a little love might do in your family!

 

Let's bow our heads in prayer.