Framing Life’s Values
Psalm 127
One of the amazing things about American homes is that the huge majority of them are built using completely standardized building practices. One reason for this consistency is a set of uniform building codes that apply across the country. Another reason is cost. The techniques used to build homes produce reliable housing quickly at low costs.
As we told you last week with any home you begin with the blueprints. From the blueprints you build the foundation. Immediately after the foundation comes the next most important part of building a home and that is the framing. Everything else flows from the framing. The windows, the doors, the roofing, the siding, all the exterior and the appearance of the house flows from the framing. It is a crucial stage in the construction of the home.
Now the housing industry in America is doing fairly well. In fact, March saw an 11.1% increase over February, and the growth accorded all over the country The problem we face is we are building houses, but we are not building homes. I contend and so does God's word that though anyone can build a house, only God can build a home.
Listen to Psalm 127:1
The New Living Translation says it like this:
"Unless the Lord builds a house, the work of the builders is useless."
As we continue our Extreme Home Makeover for Families, we need to deal now with the framing of our home. The framing of a home deals with children.
That is why we are calling our message, "Framing Values". Today, I want to deal with the most strategic, critical years of a child's life, from the time that child is born until they reach adolescence.
This is a time when children are growing by leaps and bounds. You can see changes almost daily, both mentally and physically, taking place right before your eyes. Parents, without question, those will be the greatest years of impact you will be able to have in the life of your children.
I believe the pain of childbirth is two-fold. There is certainly the pain of bringing the child into the world, but there is also the pain of bringing the child up in the world. Though I never had to bear a child myself, I am convinced that the later pain is greater than the former pain. The physical pain of bearing a child, though tremendous, usually only lasts a few hours. But the pain of rearing that same child can last a lifetime.
Now before I begin let me repeat a statemtn you’ve heard me make before: Before I had kids, I preached a message called ”Ten Commandments for Raising Children”. Now that I’ve got some, I have revamped it to “Two or Three Things You Might Want to Try; They May or May Not Work”.
Lisa and I made a fundamental decision early in our marriage before our first children were born that has paid off for us a million times over.
And that was that Lisa would be a stay-at-home mom. We believe that to be extremely important.
Listen to this statement:
"The mass surrender of child rearing responsibilities to non-relatives and state regulated institutions marks a profound change in human history. It represents the final victory of the industrial revolution: the industrialization of the family. In essence, we are attempting to make child rearing into a branch of the modern service economy, but when someone buys daycare, they are buying much more than a service that permits them to work.
They are buying an environment that determines much of what their children, what this society will become.
A child and a parent are bound eternally by blood and destiny. A day care worker is doing a job. If he or she manages simply to be a kind friend and a reliable guardian that is all anyone ought to expect. Giving the child the rest of what he so urgently needs, a self image, moral standards, life ambitions, lasting values, and a sense of permanent love is too much to ask of anyone other than parents."
I am not trying to condemn anyone here who has children in daycare. I know there are couples here who both have to work to make ends meet. That is your decision to make, but ours was to have mom at home with the kids. Why is that so important?
Because we have such little time to make an impact on the lives of our children.
I want to share with you today what your primary role is in framing values for your children. In effect, it is your job description in those early years as you are building not just a house, but a home.
First of all, you are to
I. Direct Your Children Spiritually
Solomon, the King of Israel, who wrote this particular psalm, uses a couple of key words that describes children.
Psalm 127:3
Some translations use the word “gift” instead of “heritage”.
I’ve told Lisa God had to put that in the Bible because we would have never come to that conclusion on our own!
The Hebrew word for "gift" literally means "property" or "possession". He says children are the property of the Lord. That means children are not just born from below, they are given from above. You ought to see your children, even at their worst times, as heaven's gift to you.
Then notice verse 4
I find it interesting that He compares children to arrows. An arrow must fulfill two purposes or else it is useless.
First of all, it must be shot in the right direction. Secondly, it must hit the right target.
What is true of an arrow is true of children. Our job as parents is to make sure from the time they are born that they are shot in the direction of God and the target is their eternal life and a relationship with God.
The tragedy today is that many children are being launched without ever being aimed. Most children are given no spiritual direction by the average parent. They are like the arrow in this little poem.
I shot an arrow in air
Where it landed I know not where
I am going to make an extremely strong statement, but I believe it with everything I have. It is better for parents not to have children than to have children and not do everything they can to point them to God and to teach them to love the Lord.
Isaiah 38:19 says,
"One generation makes known your faithfulness to the next."
(Isaiah 38:19, LB?)
Your family is a relay of values from one generation to the next. You are just a link in a long, long chain. I want you to remember this when you are training your children. You are not just training your own kids. You are influencing future generations, because the way we train our kids is going to influence the way they train their kids, and that will impact the way they train their kids.
Parents, whatever else you do with your kids, you must direct them to love God, trust God, and obey God or else from an eternal perspective your parenting is a failure.
Please understand that parenting is more than conceiving a child, feeding a child, clothing a child, educating a child, and then sending that child to live out on their own. We have the responsibility of preparing our children for their eternal destiny of meeting God.
That is why I say once again that we as parents must set the example. If you want your children to have a quiet time, you must have a quiet time. If you want your kids to read the Bible, they must know you read the Bible. If you want your kids to be in church, you don't send them to church, you take them to church.
Read them Bible Stories, teach them to pray, take them to church, explain what the offering is and what the Ordinances are and show them how to get involved in ministry and missions.
Take every opportunity to teach them spiritual lessons. Be sensitive to the spiritual questions they ask and take the time to answer those questions thoroughly in a way they can understand.
Buy them Christian DVDs and books that present Bible truths on their levels.
I heard about a man that once argued with the English poet, Samuel Coleridge, about the place of religious instruction and parenting. He said, "I don't think parents should indoctrinate their children to religion. Instead they should give their children the freedom to make their own choices."
Coleridge didn't say a word, but instead invited the man into his backyard to look at his garden. The visitor exclaimed, "This is no garden. It is just a patch of overgrown weeds."
Coleridge said, "Well, it used to be a garden, but I decided to give it the freedom to become whatever it chose without any interference from me."
If you do not choose to cultivate your children's relationship with God in a spiritual direction, I can assure you the devil will see to it that their lives are filled with the weeds of this world.
Direct your children spiritually. Then, number two,
II. Discipline Your Children Lovingly
Remember that children are called, "arrows". Sometimes the feathers on an arrow have to be straightened or the arrow just won't fly straight. Sometimes the tip becomes dull and has to be sharpened.
The same thing is true for children. I am going to enter into very controversial territory, because many of the so called "child rearing experts" and "psychologists" today bristle at the thought of any child discipline at all, but especially spanking.
There is an old saying, "If you spare the rod, you spoil the child." Even though that statement is not in the Bible, it is a true statement. The Bible puts it even stronger,
"He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him. (Proverbs 13:24, NIV)
"Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him. (Proverbs 22:15, NIV)
The truth of the matter is if you don't mind that your children don't mind, they won't mind.
All God really asks of parents is that they discipline their children the way He disciplines His.
Proverbs 3:11-12 says,
"My son, listen when the Lord punishes you. Do not give up when He tells you what you must do. The Lord punishes everyone He loves. He whips every son he receives."
(Proverbs 3:11-12, NLV)
In the same way that God loves us, we are to love our children enough to discipline them.
Dr. James Dobson puts it this way.
The parent must convince himself that punishment... is not something he does to the child; it is something he does for the child. His attitude toward his disobedient child is this: "I love you too much to let you behave like that."
This type of discipline must be done when the child is young.
Let me explain it this way. Have you ever wondered why young children can learn to speak perfect Russian, Chinese, Spanish or any other language to which they are exposed?
If you teach a young child more than one language, they won't even have a problem learning it at all.
But if someone seeks to learna new language after they are 20 years of age or more, they sometimes have great difficulty with the language. They may be able to approximate the sounds made by the native-speaker of the language, but they will not “learn the language as a native tongue.
Why? It is explained by a process known as "phoneme contraction". Phonemes are speech sounds in any given language that serve to distinguish one word from.
Now here’s what happens:
The larynx of a young child assumes a shape necessary to make the sounds he is learning to use at the time. It then solidifies or hardens in those positions making it impossible or very difficult to make other sounds later in life. In other words, there is a very brief window of opportunity when anything is possible linguistically.
A child's attitude towards parental authority is just like that. A child will pass through a brief window of opportunity during their late infancy and toddler hood, when respect can still be instilled. That type of attitude will not last long.
Think about this. If you are one of those parents that believe that spanking is wrong and you take that out of your toolbox, then all you are left with is nagging, begging, belittling, or yelling. That is why God does talk about the rod.
I want you to understand what I mean and don't mean by spanking. Spanking is most useful with toddlers and preschoolers, 18 months to about 6 years of age. I am definitely not talking about physical abuse.
Let me tell you the differences. Spanking is getting the attention of the head by way of the bottom. Physical abuse is beating, kicking and punching.
Spanking has the intent of training to correct a problem behavior. Physical abuse has the intent to do physical harm by a violent action.
The attitude of spanking is love and concern. The attitude of physical abuse is anger and malice.
The effects of spanking is proper behavior. The effects of physical abuse is emotional and physical injury and bitterness.
Dr. Diana Baumrind, of the Institute of Human Development, at the University of California Berkley, conducted a 10 year study of families with children ages 3 to 9. Dr. Baumrind found that parents imploring spanking at proper times experienced the most favorable outcome in their children.
Let me make sure you understand these guidelines.
-Spanking should be used selectively for clear, deliberate disobedience and misbehavior. That behavior must arise from a persistent defiance of a parent's instruction.
-Mild other forms of discipline such as verbal correction, time out, sitting in a corner, should be used initially and after carefully explaining what will draw a spanking.
-Spanking is inappropriate before 15 months of age and is usually not necessary after 6 years of age and should rarely if ever be used after 10 years of age.
-Spanking should always be a planned action, not just a reaction. It should come only after the child has been forewarned.
-Spanking should always be administered in private, never to publicly humiliate.
Dr. Billy Graham certainly believed in it. Dr. Graham once told of the time his 2 year old son spat at him in a fit of anger. Dr. Graham said, "I don't know where he learned such an ugly habit, but one thing I know for certain: if that boy chews tobacco when he grows up he will swallow the juice, because after what I did to him, he will never spit again."
III. Develop Your Children Emotionally
Did you know the first thing an archer does with an arrow is polishes it? After he polishes it, he sharpens it. The reason for that is otherwise the arrow will not do what it is intended to do. Likewise, we must develop our children and mold and shape our children, so they will do what God wants them to do.
Once again, this has to be done very early in life, because children do pick up things very early. A doctor told a story about how he was taking his 4 year old daughter to preschool. The doctor had his stethoscope on the car seat and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it. The doctor thought to himself, "I can't believe my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" About that time, the child spoke into the stethoscope and said, "Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order?"
Do you realize the 60-65% of a child's working vocabulary is acquired by the age of 3? Did you know that 80% of their character is formed by the age of 5? Did you know that 90% of their personality is formed by the age of 7? That is the window of opportunity you have to develop your child emotionally.
That is why it is so important that you provide an environment where they can develop emotional help.
In the very next psalm, Psalm 128 we read these words,
"Your children will be like olive plants around your table." (Psalm 128: 3, NLV)
Children are not only compared to arrows, they are compared to plants. Why is that? Both plants and people grow best when a good environment has been prepared for them. For the youngest and most tender plants, the best environment is a greenhouse. It gives them a head start and they become larger and stronger and more resilient to disease.
Likewise, children need a lovingly greenhouse in their home to experience healthy emotional and moral development. Fed as it says in the psalms,
"Our sons and their youth will be like well nurtured plants." (Psalm 144:12, NIV)
That child brought up in a good home environment will be stronger, healthier, and more resistant to various moral diseases that circulate in the culture in which they will live.
Let me make this very personal to you parents. If you are going to develop your children emotionally and provide that environment they need, there is no substitute for two things. One is you and the other is time. Did you know that parents in this country spend less time with their children than in any other nation in the world?
Research shows that in Russia, fathers spend as much as 2-3 hours a day with their children. In this country, according to a study out of Boston, Massachusetts, fathers spend on the average about 37 seconds a day with their young children. Parents spend less than 15 minutes a week in serious discussion with their children.
You've got to prioritize time with your children, because you are the only ones that can teach them on a daily basis the 6 most important words they will learn in relating to others:"please", "thank you", and "I am sorry".
A generation, that unfortunately has so many things that many of so never dreamed about, and think what they do have is a privilege they ought to have, and think that nothing is ever their fault, and they bear no personal responsibility. Can you imagine how different this generation would be if they just learned those six words? They can only be learned at home and only learned when they are young.
Some of you have probably never heard of a columnist named, Ann Landers, but many of you have. This piece that was written to her many years ago is one of the most heart gripping pieces you will ever hear. It is entitled,
"Where Did The Years Go?"
I remember talking to my friends a number of years ago about our children. Mine were 5 and 7 then, just the ages when their daddy means everything to them. I wish that I could have spent more time with my kids, but I was too busy working. After all, I wanted to give them all the things I never had when I was growing up.
I loved the idea of coming home and having them sit on my lap and tell me about their day. Unfortunately, most days I came home so late that I was unable to kiss them good night after they had gone to sleep.
It is amazing how fast kids grow. Before I knew it, they were 9 and 11. I missed seeing them in school plays. Everyone said they were terrific, but the plays always seemed to go on when I was traveling for business or tied up in a special conference. The kids never complained, but I could see the disappointment in their eyes.
I kept promising that I would have more time "next year", but the higher up the corporate ladder I climbed, the less time there seemed to be.
Suddenly, they were no longer 9 and 11, they were 14 and 16, teenagers. I didn't see my daughter the night she went out on her first date or my son's championship basketball game. Mom made excuses and I managed to telephone and talk to them before they left the house. I could hear the disappointment in their voices, but I explained as best I could.
Don't ask me where the years have gone. Those little kids are 19 and 21 now and in college. I can't believe it. My job is less demanding and I finally have time for them, but they have their own interests and there is no time for me. To be perfectly honest, I'm a little hurt.
It seems like yesterday they were 5 and 7. I would give anything to live those years over. You can bet your life I'd do it differently, but they are gone now and so is my chance to be a real dad.
If you have younger children at home, remember they are a gift. They are an arrow. They are a plant and only you can do for them the three things they desperately need: direct them spiritually, discipline them lovingly, and develop them emotionally. You not only do it for them, but you do it for generations to come.
