Trinity Baptist Church

 

Introduction: One woman said to her friend “Isn't your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” Her friend replied “Why, yes it is. I married the wrong man!” 

 

I'm in a sermon series entitled “Imperfect Love” because that's what many experience in this life. We've talked about divorce. We've talked about overcoming a bad beginning in marriage. Today I want to talk about what happens when we think we might have married the wrong person. 

 

We might feel that way because we married someone who doesn't share our faith and that difference is causing friction in the marriage. By the way, that's a pretty common problem. Or we might have the same faith but differing levels of commitment. Or it might be that we're just incompatible with the person we married and we can't take it anymore!

 

One person said that when dating they always look at prospective marriage partners and ask “Is this the person I want to annoy for the rest of my life?” 

 

One woman went shopping and the sales clerk said “Cash, check or charge?” As the woman fumbled for her wallet the sales clerk noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. She asked “Do you always carry your TV remote?” The woman replied “No, but my husband refused to come shopping with me and I figured this is the worst thing I could do to him legally.” At least she kept it legal.

 

We might even be to the point where we identify with that old country song that says, “If I’d Shot Her when I Wanted to, I’d be Out of Jail by Now”.

 

Well, we don't want things to go that far, do we? No! What can we do when we find ourselves in a situation where we feel unequally yoked? 

 

Ideally, we wouldn’t get there to begin with. That underlines the importance of pre-marital counseling, and getting good spiritual advisement that will help you evaluate your relationship beyond the physical attraction. 

 

But what about when you’ve married anyway, and now there seems to be significant incompatibility? Are there ways to “equalize” the “unequally yoked”?

 

I think that there are. We're going to take our cues this morning from one of the most incompatible marriages in the entire Bible and that's the marriage of Abigail and Nabal recorded in I Samuel 25. 

 

The story begins by introducing us to the incompatibility of these two people.

 

I Sam.25:3 “She was an intelligent and beautiful woman, but her husband, a Calebite, was surly and mean in his dealings.”

 

Did you ever see a couple and wonder “How did HE ever wind up with HER?” I’m sure people say that about us. I’ve thought that from time to time. 

 

That's what you have to wonder about Abby and Nabal. How did two so obviously mismatched people wind up married? 

Probably their marriage was arranged by their parents when they were children.   Sometimes this works; other times, such as with Nabal and Abigail, it was disastrous. 

 

But this remarkable woman determined to stay in the marriage, retain her dignity, AND make a difference. She models four strategies for equalizing an unequal yoke. In other words, if you're the one who would like to change the dynamic in your relationship...here's a strategy.

 

 

Verse 14

 

“One of the servants told Nabal's wife Abigail...”

 

For months, David and his men have been voluntarily watching over Nabal's sheep and herdsmen. When they hear that Nabal has begun shearing the sheep in order to market the wool, they decide it is time to collect their gratuity. 

 

So David sends ten emissaries to politely remind Nabal of his obligations. He isn't pushy or grasping in his message, in fact, he is extremely gracious. 

 

But Nabal replies “Who is David? And who is the son of Jesse?” Profane Nabal thinks nothing of snubbing the Lord's anointed. The ten men return to David empty-handed, wondering how David will react. They don't have to wonder for long. Feeling the sting of Nabal's slap in his face, David rashly arms for a swift and bloody reprisal (vs.13). 

 

 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, one of the servants seeks out Abigail and tells her what's going on.

Abigail was a great listener. Three clues tip us off to that fact. 

 

First, the servant sought her out. 

 

Apparently the servants knew from past experience that Abby would listen. 

 

Secondly, she heard all of the facts and was able to remain objective. 

 

David's men weren't just “shaking them down” like an ancient Israelite Mafia. They had, in fact, guarded and protected Nabal's property night and day and were entitled to remuneration. 

 

Thirdly and finally, the servant's comment about Nabal serves as a contrast to Abigail “No one can talk to him” (vs.17).

 

Perhaps THE best way to bring about change in an incompatible relationship is to sharpen our listening skills. 

 

Any worthwhile counsel that you will seek or read in regard to developing listening skills will instruct you to seek to understand BEFORE we seek to be understood. 

 

That's a VERY difficult discipline but if we're married to Nabal it can be one of the most critical skills of all. The reason is that since Nabal is a lousy listener, Abby is listening for two and must be that much better at it. And guys, we're usually the ones who need some help in this area. 

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. 

 

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.” 

 

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at listening than men. 

 

Now there are exceptions, of course, every couple is unique. Every couple is different. It may not be “Nabal” who's the poor listener in OUR marriage, it may be “Nabaline”. 

 

But whichever is the case, practice great listening. Seek to understand, let them know we understand, demonstrate an ability to make THEIR case as well as, or better than, THEY can BEFORE trying to jump in and be understood.

 

 

VS.23 - 35

 

When Abigail heard what had happened she didn't have to think it over long, she knew what she had to do. If it had been me, I would have been very tempted to think, “My, but God works in mysterious ways! 

Let's pray that my dear husband's passing will be swift and painless.” 

 

But instead, she wisely considers the painful consequences of David's rash act, not only for her husband, but also for David, whose reputation as the soon-to-be-king needed protecting. 

 

So, without Nabal knowing it, she puts her plan into action.  She quickly whipped up a feast to give David and his men and courageously rode off to intercept them in the hills. Spying the band rumbling across the desert, she tactfully played the peacemaker. She took the blame for Nabal's offense and asked for David's forgiveness.   

 

As Abigail illustrates, to “intercede” means to intervene in order to neutralize or mitigate the negative effects of a difficult spouse. This is particularly important in a marriage where one partner is a Christian and the other is not; where one partner may even be antagonistic to Christianity. 

 

The Bible teaches that the spiritual influence of the Christian partner can have a leavening affect that makes an eternal difference in the lives of the spouse and the children from that marriage.

 

Listen to I Corinthians 7:12-16

 

“Grace” isn't giving our spouses what they DESERVE. Grace is treating our spouses BETTER than they deserve to be treated. That's certainly what Abby did. Her husband was a wretched man who deserved a wretched end but she stepped in and saved his wretched neck. 

 

So our goal is to be as Christian as we can possibly be in the face of a difficult relationship. We want to let our spiritual influence create a more positive family dynamic than one of record-keeping, judgmentalism and retaliation. 

 

So we intercede for our spouse in prayer. We model love and kindness for the children. And Christ living in us brings comfort, peace and salvation to an otherwise desperate situation. 

 

In a Peanuts cartoon Lucy says to Charlie Brown, “I hate everything. I hate everybody. I hate the whole world.” Charlie Brown says, “But I thought you had inner peace.” Lucy replies “I DO have inner peace. But I still have outer obnoxiousness.” 

 

We can't live that way. If Christ lives in us, grace comes out of us. Jesus said to love and pray for our enemies. Does that cease being true just because we're sleeping with the enemy?

 

VS.36-37

 

Abigail's wisdom comes through in so many ways. In this passage we see that she is wise in how she communicates with a difficult spouse. She bides her time, waiting until he is sober. Note the understated tone of verse 37. Samuel doesn't say that she “yelled” at Nabal. She didn't “ridicule” Nabal. She didn't humiliate Nabal. The scriptures simply say “his wife told him all these things.” She probably spoke...very....sloooowly.

 

 

I get the impression that while Abigail was the spiritual one in the family and the wife in a patriarchal culture, she was not a doormat or a pushover. She quietly and calmly told her husband exactly what had happened, the mistake he had made, the danger they'd been in, and the extent that she went to in order to save their lives. 

Talking honestly about how we see our marriage and what we'd like it to be is just as important as good listening. Spouses, even foolish ones like Nabal, ESPECIALLY foolish ones like Nabal, are not mind-readers. They need to be told. 

 

My wife woke up one morning and said “I had a dream last night that you bought me pearls. What do you suppose that means? I said “Huh, well, Valentine's Day is coming up, and maybe you'll find out then!” 

 

She woke the next day and said “I had a dream last night that you gave me rubies, what do you think that means?” I said “You'll find out on Valentine's day.” 

 

She woke up the next day and said I had a dream that you gave me diamonds...what does it mean?” I said “Valentines Day, you'll find out on Valentine's day.” 

 

On Valentine's Day we went out to dinner and I said now you're going to find out about all those dreams. I took out a nicely gift-wrapped box and presented it to her. She opened it up to find a book entitled “How to interpret dreams.” She was speechless; at least to me. 

What are you saying, Bro. Terry? I'm saying if you're married to Nabal, talk SLOWLY, we're not that smart. But, we have to be very careful and wise, like Abigail was, about how we communicate to our spouses. Pick the right time. Be clear. Be concise. Don't exaggerate, demean, or ridicule but DO be honest. Don't overdo this or it will come across as nagging.

 

The great tragedy of Abraham Lincoln's life was his marriage. For 23 years Mrs. Lincoln nagged and harassed the life out of him. She criticized her husband constantly. He was stoop-shouldered, he walked funny, there was no spring in his step, no grace to his movements; she mimicked the way he walked and nagged him to point his toes down as she had learned in boarding school. 

 

She didn't like the way his huge ears stood out from his head. She told him his nose wasn't straight, his lower lip stuck out, he looked sickly, his feet and hands were too large and his head too small. Did all of this change Lincoln? Yes, she made him regret his marriage. 

 

This strategy is “communicate” which is more than just talking. It's timing, word-selection, sensitivity, listening and body language. 

 

VS 38-44

 

Suddenly and ironically Nabal's heart, which for so long had been hard toward Abigail and the Lord, “failed him and became like a stone.” Ten days later, he was dead. 

When David heard that Nabal was dead he sent word to Abigail, asking her to become his wife. And Abigail wastes no time in accepting David's proposal of marriage. 

 

Does this mean that if we're married to a Nabal, or a Nabaline, that God will zap them and we'll marry prince charming and live happily ever after? Should unhappily married spouses have fantasies where God acts as the hit-man? 

 

Let me pose a question. Do you think that once Nabal died and Abigail married David, that Abigail's troubles were over? She now had the perfect husband? 

 

A man once asked a friend why he never got married. He said “Looking for the perfect girl.” The friend said “Surely you've met at least one girl that you wanted to marry?” “Yes, once. She was the perfect girl in every way.” “Well, why didn't you marry her?” “She was looking for the perfect man!” 

 

Remember, David already had one wife. Abigail made two. And in the future her prince charming would commit adultery, impregnate another man's wife, murder her husband and then marry the widow. Life with David was no bed of roses either. 

 

But, I still think that Abigail had a happy ending because she shows herself to be a woman of faith and devotion to God, and that's where true happiness comes from. Human relationships always promise more than they can deliver; only God delivers more than He promises.

 

 

When I say “adapt” I mean that when we leave room for God to act, things can change and we must be ready to change with them. God created a new reality for Abigail and she embraced it. He can do that for us. 

 

We don't have to go on repeating the same destructive cycles in our marriage. By listening, interceding, communicating and adapting, we ourselves can change, and our marriage can change. 

 

Zig Ziglar says:

 

“I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy and successful. 

 

I'll be the first to admit that it's possible that you did marry the wrong person. However, if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all. On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person like the wrong person, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. 

 

I also know that it is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person. In short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you.”

 

“I Love You and I Need You and if You’ll have me, I want to spend the rest of my life proving it to you!