When My Loved One Dies

 

When My Loved One Dies
Ruth
 
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 40 years before. 
 
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day. 
 
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address. 
 
Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston....a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a fatal heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
 
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I Have Arrived!
 
Dearest Love: I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. PS...Sure is hot down here!!
 
I'm concluding a sermon series today entitled "Imperfect love." We've talked about divorce, a bad beginning and incompatibility.
 
Today I want to address the subject of what to do when a loved one dies. I know that if you're the one who has suffered the loss, it's no joking matter. C.S. Lewis wrote in "A Grief Observed": "You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you."
 
Most of us today know what it feels like to lose a family member to death. And some of you today know what it feels like to lose a spouse. I have not known that particular sorrow but, in his Word, God has given us many examples of those who have. 
 
And no two of those examples are exactly the same. In fact, the accounts of Jacob's marriage to Leah and Abigail's marriage to Nabal both involve the death of a spouse, but with dramatically different emotions, reactions and conclusions. It's important to acknowledge the individuality of every person and the uniqueness of every relationship which makes generalizations so difficult and risky. 
 
 
I want to draw some lessons today about how to move forward when my loved one dies, but I want to qualify these lessons by noting that there are exceptions. This may not apply to every person in every stage of grief. That's why God reveals to us so many different struggling people in the Bible. If one doesn't speak to our need, another one will.
 
Ruth and Naomi are two women who become widows and their story helps us see a way of moving forward. This is God's plan for life after a death.
 
I. Cling to God's Family for Support
 
Ruth 1
 
Naomi, her husband and two grown sons move from Bethlehem to Moab. The two sons marry Moabite women named Orpah and Ruth. Then, in short order, Naomi's husband dies AND her two sons die leaving three widows in all. Naomi, the mother, determines to return to her hometown of Bethlehem. She encourages her two daughters-in-law to go back to their father's home. 
 
One of them, Orpah, does just that with a tearful farewell. But the other one, Ruth, refuses to leave and decides to stay with her mother-in-law no matter what. In doing so she gives one of the most beautiful pledges of loyalty in the entire Bible.
 
Ruth 1:16-17
 
We see the principle of clinging to God's family in a couple of ways. First, and most obvious, is Ruth's decision to stay with Naomi. 
 
As a Moabitess, the religion that Ruth grew up with was polytheistic and cruel. She had glimpsed something better in the religion of her husband and mother-in-law. She wanted to stay and be with people who believed in love, hope, mercy and life after death.
 
We also see that Naomi is clinging to God's family in her decision to move back to the land of Israel in general and the town of Bethlehem in particular. Because the nation of Israel was a theocracy she was, in fact, returning to her community of faith. Her own faith was being stretched almost, but not quite, to the breaking point. She still believed in God, she just thought He was out to get her. In any case, she was going home. 
 
When my loved one has died, I need to cling to God's family. Our biological family is a critical support group. But if our "bio-family" doesn't share our faith, it's going to be more important than ever that we turn to our SPIRITUAL family for the love, support and Godly perspective of faith. There simply is no substitute for the hope and comfort that comes to us from God's family.
 
It makes a difference what your support group believes. With his dying words Jesus entrusted the care of his elderly mother, not to his biological brothers but to his spiritual brother, John.
 
Years ago the producers of Sesame Street faced a dilemma. Will Lee, the actor who played Mr. Hooper, passed away and the producers were faced with how to communicate the concept of death to the 10 million children (most of whom are under 6 years of age) who watch the show. 
Child psychologists suggest they not say, "Mr. Hooper got sick and died," because children get sick and they're not necessarily going to die. And psychologists suggested they not say "Mr. Hooper got old and died," because little children think of their parents as old. 
 
And the staff of Sesame Street decided to avoid religious issues and not say "Mr. Hooper died and went to Heaven." The shows producers decided to say just a few basics: He's gone, he won't be back, and he'll be missed. 
 
The show was aired on Thanksgiving Day so parents could watch it with their children. Big Bird came out and said he had a picture for Mr. Hooper and he couldn't wait to see him. And someone said, "Big Bird, remember, we told you that Mr. Hooper died." 
 
And Big Bird said "Oh yeah, I forgot." Then he said "Well, I'll just give it to him when he comes back." And one of the staff members put an arm around Big Bird and said, "Big Bird, Mr. Hooper isn't coming back." "Why not," Big Bird asked innocently. "Big Bird, when people die they don't come back." And that was it. How hopeless. How futile. 
 
That's all the family of man has to offer. The family of God has so much more. Cling to the family of God when a loved one dies.
 
II. Look for God's Opportunities to Serve
 
Ruth 2:2-3
 
 
 
"As it turned out" Ruth just happened to be gleaning in the fields of an eligible rich bachelor named Boaz. And as it turned out, Boaz just happened to be one of two "kinsmen-redeemers" meaning he was in a position to help Ruth and Naomi if he wanted to. 
 
And as it turned out, Boaz had heard of Ruth and was a big fan of hers before he ever even met her. There are a LOT of coincidences in this chapter aren't there? NO! These aren't coincidences they are the providence of God. Someone has said that "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous." 
 
What I want to point out is that these new, fresh and exciting opportunities came into the lives of these two widows BECAUSE of Ruth's SERVICE. After the death of her husband, Ruth rejected the path of least resistance, i.e. going back home to live with her father. 
 
Instead, she chose the more arduous path of loyalty, work, service and provision for someone less fortunate than herself: her mother-in-law Naomi. 
 
Boaz even said ""I've been told all about what you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband--how you left your father and mother and your homeland and came to live with a people you did not know before. May the LORD repay you for what you have done. May you be richly rewarded by the LORD, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge" (Vs.11-12). 
 
It is precisely because Ruth was out there gleaning, working, and laboring that God opened up a whole new set of opportunities for her.
 
Look for God's opportunities to serve. There is a temptation to lapse into lethargy and apathy after our loved one dies. 
 
C.S. Lewis "No one ever told me about the laziness of grief. I loathe the slightest effort. Not only writing but even reading a letter is too much. Even shaving - what does it matter now whether my cheek is rough or smooth?" 
 
But this is not for us. New opportunities, relationships, and connections don't happen when we isolate ourselves. They are created by US in concert with GOD when we get outside of ourselves in service of the Lord and others. 
 
Edna Ellison writes that she spent the week before her daughter's June wedding running last-minute trips to the caterer, florist, tuxedo shop, and the church about forty miles away. As happy as she was that Patsy was marrying a good Christian young man, she felt laden with responsibilities as she watched her budget dwindle.
 
Her son Jack was away at college, but he said he would be there to walk his younger sister down the aisle, taking the place of his dad who had died a few years before. He teased Patsy, saying he'd wanted to give her away since she was about three years old!
 
To save money, she gathered blossoms from several friends who had large magnolia trees. Their luscious, creamy-white blooms and slick green leaves would make beautiful arrangements against the rich dark wood inside the church. After the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding, they banked the podium area and choir loft with magnolias.
As they left just before midnight, Edna felt tired but satisfied. The big day arrived and while her bridesmaids helped Patsy to dress, Edna waked to the sanctuary to do a final check.
 
When she opened the door and felt a rush of hot air, she almost fainted; and then she saw them - all the beautiful white flowers were black. An electrical storm during the night had knocked out the air conditioning system, and on that hot summer day, the flowers had wilted and died.
 
Alone in the large sanctuary, she looked up at the dark wooden beams in the arched ceiling. "Lord," she prayed, "please help me. I don't know anyone in this town. Help me find someone willing to give me flowers - in a hurry!"
 
She scurried out praying for four things: the blessing of white magnolias, courage to find them in an unfamiliar yard, safety from any dog that may bite her leg, and a nice person who would not get out a shotgun when she asked to cut his tree to shreds.
 
As she left the church, she saw magnolia trees in the distance. She approached a house... No dog in sight. She knocked on the door and an older man answered. So far so good . . . No shotgun.
 
When she stated her plea the man beamed, "I'd be happy to!" He climbed a stepladder and cut large boughs and handed them down to her. Minutes later, as she lifted the last armload into her car trunk, she said, "Sir, you've made the mother of a bride happy today." "No, Ma'am," he said. "You don't understand what's happening here." "What?" she asked.
 
"You see, my wife of sixty-seven years died on Monday. On Tuesday I received friends at the; funeral home, and on Wednesday . . . He paused. She saw tears welling up in his eyes. "On Wednesday I buried her." He looked away.
 
"On Thursday most of my out-of-town relatives went back home, and on Friday - yesterday - my children left." She nodded.
 
"This morning," he continued, "I was sitting in my den crying out loud. I miss her so much. For the last sixteen years, as her health got worse, she; needed me. But now nobody needs me. This morning I cried, 'Who needs an eighty-six-year-old wore-out man? Nobody!' I began to cry louder. 'Nobody needs me!'
 
About that time, you knocked, and said, "Sir, I need you." She stood with her mouth open. He smiled.
 
"Do you know what I was thinking when I handed you those magnolias?" "No." "I decided I'm needed. My flowers are needed. Why, I might have a flower ministry! I could give them to everyone! Some caskets at the funeral home have no flowers. People need flowers at times like that and I have lots of them. They're all over the backyard!
 
I can give them to hospitals, churches -all sorts of places. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to serve the Lord until the day He calls me home!"
 
Edna drove back to the church, filled with wonder. On Patsy's wedding day, if anyone had asked her to encourage someone who was hurting, she would have said, "Forget it! It's my only daughter's wedding, for goodness' sake!
There is no way I can minister to anyone today." But God found a way; through dead flowers. Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference.
 
Look for God’s opportunities to Serve. Find a ministry, serve the Lord and see what happens.
 
III. WAIT IN GOOD FAITH
 
Ruth 3:18
 
Following Naomi's advice, Ruth suggests to Boaz that they get married. Boaz is all for the idea but there is a proverbial fly in the ointment. There is a kinsmen-redeemer that is a closer relative to Naomi than he is. That means this other guy gets first dibs on Ruth and her deceased husband's property. 
 
Boaz tells Ruth to wait over-night and he'll resolve the issue the next day. Naomi also tells Ruth to wait until she finds out what happens and assures Ruth that Boaz will not rest until the matter is settled. Ruth has to wait patiently, trusting in the character of Boaz and in the providence of God.
 
Most of the time, after the death of a spouse, there is a lot of waiting. We're not sure what is going to happen next. We're not sure how our financial circumstances will be resolved. We may not be sure about our living arrangements. We may have a long wait without the companionship and security that we've become used to. 
 
The Bible says that Christians do not grieve as do those who have no hope (I Thessalonians 4:13). We also do not WAIT as do those who have no hope. Our waiting is made bearable by our confidence in the good character and intentions of God on our behalf. 
 
I Timothy 5:5 "The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help."
 
Waiting in good faith is based upon our knowledge of, and confidence in, the character of God. Even when we do not understand his ways, we can always trust his heart.
 
A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I'm afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side." 
 
Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know." "You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?" The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness. 
 
Turning to the patient the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here. And when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing...I know my master is there and that is enough." 
 
I don't like clichés but this one is true...I don't know what the future holds but I know who holds the future. 
We have absolutely no idea what the future holds...anymore than Ruth knew what the outcome would be in the matter of the kinsmen-redeemer. But we wait in good faith, with a positive attitude, in eager anticipation to see what God has in store for us, because we know God.
 
IV. Love Who God Sends
 
Ruth 4:13-16
 
In God's plan for life after a death, God wants us to love whomever he sends to us.  Ruth was the younger of the two women. She had the opportunity to remarry and have children. Naomi remained a widow but God brought a grandson into her life and she cared for him and loved him as dearly as if he was her own son. 
 
The rock group Queen had a song entitled "Somebody to Love." 
 
Listen to the lyrics:
Each morning I get up I die a little.
Can barely stand on my feet. 
Take a look in the mirror and cry. 
Lord what you're doing to me.
I have spent all my years in believing in you, but I just can't get no relief.
Can anybody find me, somebody to love?
I work hard every day of my life. I work till I ache in my bones.
At the end of the day, I take home my hard-earned pay all on my own.
I get down on my knees and I start to pray till the tears run down from my eyes.
Can anybody find me, somebody to love?
Well, actually, we don't have to look VERY far to find somebody to love. Isn't this world full of people desperate to be loved? 
 
The New Testament church financially supported some widows if they met certain qualifications. Paul gives those qualifications in I Timothy 5...listen to the ways a widow can love the people whom God sends into her life according to the apostle Paul:
 
"Good deeds (love)",
"bringing up children (love)",
"showing hospitality (love)",
"washing the feet of the saints (love)", and
"helping those in trouble (love)" (I Timothy 5:10).
 
To you who are widows and widowers in this church let me say there are all kinds of opportunities for you to share your love in this church: 
 
hug attention-starved children in Sunday school,
feed them breakfast at VBS,
adopt a missionary,
visit the sick and bring meals to the bereaved,
be a greeter in Sunday School.
 
Those are all people who need love.
 
God's plan for life after a death includes loving those he sends our way. This final story was first offered as true in a religious periodical in Canada in 1978. It was picked up by the Reader's Digest in 1980 and now, 30 years later, is still making the rounds on the internet:
 
She was six years old when I first met her on the beach near where I live. I drive to this beach, a distance of three or four miles, whenever the world begins to close in on me. She was building a sandcastle or something and looked up, her eyes as blue as the sea.
 
"Hello," she said. I answered with a nod, not really in the mood to bother with a small child. "I'm building," she said.
 
"I see that. What is it?" I asked, not caring.
"Oh, I don't know, I just like the feel of sand.
"That sounds good, I thought, and slipped off my shoes. A sandpiper glided by.
 
"That's a joy," the child said.
"It's a what?"
 
"It's a joy. My mama says sandpipers come to bring us joy." The bird went glissading down the beach. "Good-bye joy," I muttered to myself, "hello pain," and turned to walk on. I was depressed; my life seemed completely out of balance.
 
"What's your name?" She wouldn't give up.
"Ruth," I answered. "I'm Ruth Peterson."
"Mine's Wendy... I'm six."
"Hi, Wendy."
 
She giggled. "You're funny," she said. In spite of my gloom I laughed too and walked on. Her musical giggle followed me.
 
"Come again, Mrs. P," she called. "We'll have another happy day."
 
The days and weeks that followed belonged to others: a group of unruly Boy Scouts, PTA meetings, and an ailing mother. The sun was shining one morning as I took my hands out of the dishwater. "I need a sandpiper," I said to myself, gathering up my coat. The ever-changing balm of the seashore awaited me.
 
The breeze was chilly, but I strode along, trying to recapture the serenity I needed. I had forgotten the child and was startled when she appeared.
 
"Hello, Mrs. P," she said. "Do you want to play?"
"What did you have in mind?" I asked, with a twinge of annoyance.
 
"I don't know, you say."
"How about charades?" I asked sarcastically.
 
The tinkling laughter burst forth again. "I don't know what that is."
 
"Then let's just walk." Looking at her, I noticed the delicate fairness of her face. "Where do you live?" I asked.
 
"Over there." She pointed toward a row of summer cottages. Strange, I thought, in winter.
 
"Where do you go to school?"
"I don't go to school. Mommy says we're on vacation." She chattered little girl talk as we strolled up the beach, but my mind was on other things.
 
When I left for home, Wendy said it had been a happy day.
 
Feeling surprisingly better, I smiled at her and agreed. Three weeks later, I rushed to my beach in a state of near panic. I was in no mood to even greet Wendy. 
 
I thought I saw her mother on the porch and felt like demanding she keep her child at home.
 
"Look, if you don't mind," I said crossly when Wendy caught up with me, "I'd rather be alone today."
She seems unusually pale and out of breath.
 
"Why?" she asked.
I turned to her and shouted, "Because my mother died!" and thought, my God, why was I saying this to a little child?
 
"Oh," she said quietly, "then this is a bad day."
"Yes, and yesterday and the day before and-oh, go away!"
 
"Did it hurt? "
"Did what hurt?" I was exasperated with her, with myself.
 
"When she died?" "Of course it hurt!" I snapped, misunderstanding, wrapped up in myself. I strode off. 
 
A month or so after that, when I next went to the beach, she wasn't there. Feeling guilty, ashamed and admitting to myself I missed her, I went up to the cottage after my walk and knocked at the door. A drawn looking young woman with honey-colored hair opened the door.
 
 
"Hello," I said. "I'm Ruth Peterson. I missed your little girl today and wondered where she was."
 
"Oh yes, Mrs. Peterson, please come in" "Wendy talked of you so much.
 
I'm afraid I allowed her to bother you. If she was a nuisance, please, accept my apologies."
 
"Not at all-she's a delightful child," I said, suddenly realizing that I meant it. "Where is she?"
 
"Wendy died last week, Mrs. Peterson. She had leukemia. Maybe she didn't tell you."
 
Struck dumb, I groped for a chair. My breath caught.
 
"She loved this beach; so when she asked to come, we couldn't say no.
 
She seemed so much better here and had a lot of what she called happy days. But the last few weeks, she declined rapidly..." her voice faltered.
 
"She left something for you...if only I can find it. Could you wait a moment while I look?"
 
I nodded stupidly, my mind racing for something, anything, to say to this lovely young woman. She handed me a smeared envelope, with MRS. P printed in bold, childish letters. 
 
Inside was a drawing in bright crayon hues-a yellow beach, a blue sea, and a brown bird. Underneath was carefully printed: A SANDPIPER TO BRING YOU JOY
Tears welled up in my eyes, and a heart that had almost forgotten to love opened wide. I took Wendy's mother in my arms. "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," I muttered over and over, and we wept together.
 
The precious little picture is framed now and hangs in my study. Six words- one for each year of her life- that speak to me of harmony, courage, undemanding love. 
 
A gift from a child with sea-blue eyes and hair the color sand--- who taught me the gift of love.
 
To those who have lost loved ones, I have no way of knowing what your life and heart feel. I know only my own sorrow. But together we have the privilege of fellowshipping with a God who knows every pain, and invites us to come to Him with our burdens and find rest for our souls.